I can here the audible gasps. No, this is not a divorce announcement. Hubby and I are still together and always will be. It is permission for all the single women out there searching for a soul mate and the married women who despair that they aren’t married to their soul mate, permission to stop looking and wishing.
The Urban Dictionary offers this definition of soulmate:
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.
Let me dissect this definition in the context of my marriage:
We did have an immediate connection when we met. He shook my hand. Connection made. Was I drawn to him in a way I’d never experienced before? Not really. He paid for dinner and my dad had done that. Sorry, no soulmate yet. Did I experience a love so deep, strong and complex? Well, one out of three. It was complex. Any relationship is complex or it isn’t a real relationship. Did I doubt I had ever loved anyone prior? No, I grew up in a family and a church with a lot of love. I never doubted that I had loved before. I knew what real love was and I knew it takes time. Does he understand and connect with me in every way and on every level? OK, I choked on my water when I read that. We’ve been married for over six years and he still doesn’t understand that he should have “a place for everything and everything in its place” and I don’t understand the concept of “have everything out so you can see it”.
When I am not around him, am I more aware of the harshness of life? We live and work together. The rare times he’s not around it means that I have to tuck the kids in for naptime or bedtime and do his chores outside. That’s not harsh, that’s pitching in. Has bonding with another person in this way been the most significant and satisfying thing I will ever experience in my lifetime? I certainly hope not or it’s all downhill from here. Am I aware of the beauty in life? Have I been given a great gift? Will I always be thankful? Absolutely! But I felt that way long before Hubby ever entered my life. Those feelings have nothing to do with him and everything to do with my choice to view life that way.
After all that, you can see that I most certainly did NOT marry my soulmate. So, who did I marry?
I married someone who challenges me. Who doesn’t agree with me on everything (we do agree on the big things) and that’s OK. It makes me examine my reasons behind my actions or thoughts. I married someone who chooses to love me, even when I am most UNloveable. After an argument, he always says, “There’s no one else I’d rather argue with than you.” And he means it. I married someone who drives me absolutely crazy. But he’s my crazy and I’ll take his crazy over a thousand other versions of crazy. You know the feeling. When you see someone else and think, “Well, he may not put his stuff away, but he could be the guy who eats his toenails.” (Or maybe that’s just me….)
I married someone who loves the Lord, me and our children. In that order. I married someone who is willing to hear my dreams (the 10% I let him know at any one time), who makes me laugh even when I don’t want to. I married someone who is different from me in so many ways that we complement one another. Where he is strong, I am weak and vice versa. He fixes engines, I build with wood. Peas and carrots, baby!
Marriage is hard work. Plain and simple. I married someone who wants to work as hard as I do to have a great marriage. Together. Forever. Let no man put asunder…
Day 6 Homework: Who did you marry? Why are you glad you married him/her?